Lovely Lovina 

After we survived the cattle bus to Lovina it was a calmer pace of life from the minute we arrived. The locals love of Mr Bean i found very strange and with UB40 blaring out of almost every restuarant we weren’t quite sure what to expect. The manager of the hotel wasted no time in selling us everything she had going, to be honest we were tired and it was an easy one stop shop so we smiled, nodded and handover money a little unsure of what we exactly had purchased.
The first of my many “out of my comfort zone” experiences happened straight away. We were a little short of cash to pay for our room so they offered to drive us to a cash point. On the back of their scooters!! We we made it and i secretly enjoyed it, even though i clung on like a spider monkey the whole ride. 
As many of you know i can’t swim and deep water is a sure thing for a panic attack for me, so at 6am we set off to see dolphins. I made it as far as the shore to get on this rinky dink boat that looked more like a stick insect than a boat. Susy was so excited i made her go without me and i went back to bed to watch Bake Off. Susy’s photos looked amazing even if the motor broke down and she had to change boats half way she came back pumped and ready for the second half of the day. Snorkelling! Now being in my line of work i see danger pretty much everywhere and if i can’t see a safe way of doing something it’s not going to happen. We headed North West of Bali and got on what we were told was a speed boat. What we were greeted with was a boat held together with plastic rope, rusty nails and what smelt like no nails used as a filler for holes. The sea was stunning and the ride was smooth as we approached the island. So off Susy went snorkelling into the crystal waters and really enjoyed it. I then spent the day on the boat trying to explain to the captain i didn’t want to go in the sea with the rest, so he put me to work! As Susy saw the amazing corals and tropical fish i was helping him tie the boats up, empty the bottom of the boat with water with an old jerry can and then he showed me how to fish for squid with an old rusty oil can. Conversation was non existent as he spoke no english and just pointed a lot so it was nice being quiet for an afternoon. I was glad to get back to the homestay and back on dry land, so to reward myself for a hard day at sea as a ship hand we decided to go for a massage. Susy enjoyed a relaxing traditional bailanese massage, i opted for a generic relaxation one, which i quickly regretted when the little lady climbed onto the bed to part my bum cheeks and feel that my arsehole needed a massage. As i was thinking happy thoughts and hoping that she wouldn’t invite herself in she asked me to turn over. Now I have had massages all over the world and all have a different techniques but i was surprised when she went to town on my nipples and general boob area, i looked over the Susy and there she was still eyes closed looking quite content and i was being casually sexually assaulted willing it to end quickly.
Next on our paid and unknown excursions list we were up early on a full day motor bike tour for 10 hours with our legs wrapped around total strangers seeing the north of the island. It was a great day and our guides Ringo and Come’on were very funny, their english was sketchy but they still knew how to lay on the charm. Stand out sights were not the amazing temples, beautiful rice fields or even a trip to see one of the guides family compounds unannounced but when Susy fell into a rice paddy in brand new white converse, a man selling shotguns on the roadside at a reasonable price and then something neither of us will be able to erase from our memories. Let me explain… The views at the two lakes were stunning and it really was nature at its best and slightly to the left of the viewing platform there were some men with snakes and lizards asking tourists for photos with them. There were about 30 or so tourists there but no one noticed the huge bat (the same size as a tubby 4 year old child) hanging upside down with a huge erection licking and sucking it! Something we’ll never un-see. We ended the day with saddle sore and covered in dirt but after a quick freshen up, the night ended with locals and the guides back at the hotel with a fire on the beach drinking their local drink Arak (it tastes like tequila and sherry) and eating their readily available fresh Magic Mushrooms.
The final trip in Lovina was a major feat for us both and Susy kept saying how she was very proud of both of us was a 4 hour trek up and down a mountain to see 7 waterfalls. Now most of you know im not at my physical peak and climbing down sheer drops holding onto tree roots to get down was so tough even my earlobes were sweating. That was physically one of the hardest things i have ever done and to be honest i don’t plan on doing it again anytime soon. The Waterfalls were great but the physically grueling trek down with 1 panic attack in tow made them a little less impressive for me as i just wanted to get back to the top and hit a cold Bintang.Susy did really well though and I felt bad that i was the old lady holding her back, however i felt better when she turned around and her face was red and sweaty and she looked about as happy as me! When we got to the bottom there a few other tourists and couldnt work out how some of them had got there as they were really old and one even had a prosthetic leg. Low and behold they took the friggin stairs down the mountain while we had trekked across rice paddies, jungle terrain, dusty dirt tracks and rocks. After talking to a few of the other tourists no one else did the route we did with a local guide! So stairs back up it was, we stopped half way up the mountain only to find a little shack selling drinks and to our enjoyment we saw hanging in the shelter was a hand made wind chime using old Mr Bean DVD’s. The guy literally gets everywhere!!!!

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